The Random House Group is one of the largest general publishing publishing companies in the UK, with bestselling authors such as John Grisham, Bill Bryson and Ian McEwan.

As part of the Group’s commitment to new writing talent, a Readers’ Group comprising of Random House Group Editors, E-Book Managers and Marketing staff will read the YouWriteOn Top Ten as listed on the first of every month, from April to September this year.


The group will then give their feedback to new writers, drawing on their industry experience and their own enthusiasm for writing. If a story really grabs them, they will let us and the writers know, however the primary aim of the group is to assist and encourage new writers.

Please see below for their feedback for new Top Ten stories each month. This Top Ten was rated in order by YouWriteOn members. Click on the link on the home page to view the stories

August 1st 2008 - The YouWriteOn Top Ten


1. Connie's Convertible (Revision 3)
by Jim Coffey Novel, General Fiction 09 Jul 2008
Tom visits Connie, ex girlfriend and love of his life. The visit, and an unwelcome phone call from his estranged dying father, causes Tom to reflect on how he got into this desperate state, and then, just what he's going to do about it.
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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Connie's Convertible


What a nice, funny and light-hearted story! Well done for achieving the Top Ten with your entry which I very much enjoyed with a smile on my face throughout!

The language you use is entertaining and engaging and by putting questions forward to the readers you brilliantly involve them into your story:

"What to do?"

"What do you need to know about her?"

"How the hell had it come to this? I will try to explain."

Splitting the parts into smaller sections also helps the reader to follow your story easily and you are certainly not short of comic elements:

"Armed only with my thirty-nine year old legs and a slightly younger push-bike"

"Home was a nondescript town house carved up for the benefit of someone rich enough to own it but too rich to have to live there."

"…Legs you can't help but naturally want to put into all kinds of unnatural positions…"

"For a moment I thought I'd drowned and gone to heaven, as I happened to notice my rescuers were three naked, young and shapely ladies."

Comic elements like these follow the story throughout and make Connie's Convertible a very pleasant, entertaining read. Furthermore, the reader easily warms to the main character Tom, who often funny, sometimes a bit sentimental (when he talks about home), is very likeable.

I've got two suggestions you may want to consider:

You do not disclose lots of information on Tom's relationship with his ex-wife Evelyn and his daughter Mickey. Whilst your main focus in the first pages is on Tom's relationship with Connie, I think it would help the reader to get a better picture of the main character if you told a bit more about his life before he met Connie: Why did they split up? What kind of relationship does Tom now have with Evelyn and Mickey? A friendly relationship? A distant, cold relationship?

I was quite surprised that Tom decided to visit his ex-girlfriend when he discovered that he could not get into his flat, especially since they had broken up not long time ago. This reaction seemed to be rather unnatural. I would describe his motives to visit Connie in further detail. Surely, he didn't seek shelter only, but longed to see Connie.

Overall, a very enjoyable story you can be proud of!"

Feedback from Nicole, Random House

2. A Cross by the Road (Revised)
by Dan Schuler Short Story, General Fiction 22 Jun 2008
A woman reflects on her past and her prospects for the future on the anniversary of the tragic accident that changed her life.
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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road

Congratulations on a successful entry to the Top Ten! I thoroughly enjoyed your short story which lives from its pace, the convincing voice of the main character and the beautiful language you use.

You are very succinct in your descriptions, very focused on the main theme of your story: A man reflects on the accident in which he was involved and in which his sister Hannah Lynn died. You build your story up nicely: The brother's visit of the cross by the road, the sad memories of the accident, the warm memories of his conversation with Hannah Lynn before the accident, his parents' reaction to the loss of their daughter and the disclosure of the brother's actual involvement in the accident smoothly intertwine with each other. This allows for fluency and pace and makes your story a pleasure to read.

Furthermore, the main character's thoughts and feelings are utterly convincing and are very well conveyed by the language you use:

"To me, this is hallowed ground, the place where my younger sibling spent her final moments on this earth."

"I am still here, forced to live on, to remember that day for the rest of my life. I pray that Hannah has found peace, even as I am aware that I never will."

"and I find myself wishing that I too could be spirited away so easily, lifted out of this nightmare where everything has gone so terribly wrong."

These paragraphs especially reflect the brother's feelings and engage the readers with him: They feel the pain about the tragic loss of his sister and easily warm to the main character.

The second and third quote I mention above also give a glimpse of the brother's actual involvement in the accident, but it is not until the very end when the main character discloses that he was drunk behind the wheel when the horrific incident happened. The end is rather surprising, a turning point you keep for the end of your story, and I personally think you do very well in leaving this part for the end: It makes your story interesting and leaves the reader thinking beyond the end of the story. Well done!

Moreover, I thought you cleverly reflected on a little scene between brother and sister when they talk very personally of Hannah Lynn's affection for Kyle. There is a certain warmth and sweetness in the siblings' communication with each other which make Hannah Lynn's death even sadder and more revolting.

In my opinion you have written a very successful short story and truly deserve to be among the Top Ten!

Feedback from Nicole, Random House

3. HANDSTANDS IN THE SHALLOW END (REVISED)
by Jennifer J. Sowle Historical, Womens Fiction 13 Jun 2008
It’s l968 when Luanne Kilpi is pulled from the Saginaw River and ends up in the loony bin. Her story illuminates the hopes and hazards of psychiatry, the thin line between heartache and insanity, an unflinching look at life inside the asylum that looms large in a small northern town. Women’s fiction.
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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on A Cross by the Road

“Handstands in the Shallow End” covers an interesting topic, that of a sane woman who has experienced a serious loss and has been placed in a psychiatric hospital. The narrative is well-written and very descriptive and the prologue immediately captured my attention.

The detailed description is good but potentially having so much detracts slightly from the plot which seems confusing due to the fragmentation of the text which jumps in time quite often. Your dialogue is very realistic and the events that occur do not seem implausible.

You have focused on several characters which is great but I still have not got a real feel for the protagonist Luanne, without an emotional connection to her, the reader will not feel sympathy towards her situation which is certainly a horrific one and should be very heart-rending. I believe there to be a need for more detailed portrayal of Luanne as a person as well as of her surroundings.

The brutal cruelty of the hospital staff, particularly of “The Lobster” is intense without being far-fetched which is a difficult accomplishment. You have some interesting themes and a good mix of characters. Luanne would benefit from character development and once this has come together you should have an emotional read.


Feedback from Marisa, Random House


4. Awake (slight revision)
by Danny Gillan Short Story, Comedy, General Fiction 02 Jul 2008
Short Story. I've made a few changes to this but nothing major, so if you've had it before feel free to pass. It's a gently comic look at a typical working class funeral.
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Feedback for this story will be added once received from Random House

Continues next post

Saff’s feelings that she has sinned against God and deserves to be stoned are pretty stark, but show how an event as momentous as the presumed loss of a sister can bring about intense emotion. I thought that the paragraph where she internally thanks Sam for ‘handing her the bullets’ was perhaps unnecessary. Saff’s calm, steely response, provoking Sam about land-grabbing in Israel makes it obvious that she is trying to cut herself off and works to greater effect standing alone, especially in such a highly charged piece.

Putting the London bombing into a larger context of atrocities carried out in the name of religion works well, and I was pleased to see that you didn’t lay this on too heavily – mentioning Szrebrenica, Bentalha, Fullujah by name is enough. I also liked the section on Saff’s childhood in Algeria. Even in a short piece, it’s good to flesh out your characters, and the incident where Noura is shot at by her father is great. Noura’s quiet apology and her father’s stunned impotence are well rendered, and this anecdote also makes Noura’s running away more credible.

To pick out one phrase, I especially liked the simile of the London bus ‘spilt open like a pomegranate’ – it vividly conveys the violence of the event, without the need for a graphic description. I would suggest cutting the sentences ‘Scalps on the streets. Blood on the walls’ as I think it’s strong enough on its own.

I didn’t think the ending was quite as strong as it could have been. I think it is clear that Saff has made up her mind, and although she is young, I think the statement that Noura will rise a stronger person and the line ‘I will keep my promise’ are a little absolute for a short story. I would be inclined to end on the three of them walking back to the aunt’s house, leaving the readers to contemplate their futures.

Congratulations on a brave piece of writing and I hope you will continue.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House


8. Old Horses
by B. F. Thor Literary Fiction, Novel 05 Jun 2008
Meet Louis and his best friend Campbell Feathers; two teenage wildmen trapped, temporarily, in small town hell. Louis's idea of rebellion is adding apostrophes to road signs, whereas Campbell Feathers unselfconciously inhabits an adult world of drink, drugs and illicit sex with his Mother's friend Barbara (or so he claims).
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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Old Horses


Congratulations on a well-written story. Campbell Feathers is an interesting character, with a great name.

I especially like the art lesson scenes. The inspirational art teacher who talks of space and critique, unintentionally denying the boys an establishment figure to rebel against is a wonderful touch, and the boys’ board spaces and the hierarchy of artists that feature on them (alcoholics, suicides…) work well, offering a playful nod to childhood insecurity and the need to impress.

The boys’ dialogue rings true – often a difficult thing to achieve – with notes of bravado and false confidence, thinly veiling their uncertainty when it comes to talking to girls, recounting these conversations to their friends and the usual awkward moments of adolescence.

On a point of style, do be careful not to overuse parentheses, such as ‘(hadn’t we?)’ on the first page and ‘(see what I mean?)’ at the beginning of chapter 3. Interjections can work well if used sparingly, but I think they can also interrupt the flow of a section, especially if the narrator is posing a question to the readers.

My one reservation is that after reading this extract, I don’t really have a sense of where the story is going. Clearly, the art show will go ahead, successfully or otherwise, and it’s undesirable to have too obvious a plot, but I do think that it lacks a sense of pace. Maybe you could work in a few allusions to future events, without giving too much away.

This is a light, entertaining story, and underneath the boys’ comical decision to hate their local town on principle, determined to follow a formula that they believe will help them to become true artists, is an exploration of finding out where it is that you belong, and trying to make your mark on the world. Well done, I hope you will continue working on it.

Feedback from Ellie, Random House

9. Red Shadows (Revised)
by William McCormick Historical, Literary Fiction, Novel, Saga 05 Jun 2008
A failed revolution sets two brothers on a collision course.
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Random House Readers' Group Feedback on Red Shadows

It was only when I began reading your opening chapters that I realised I'd read another piece of writing you'd done for youwriteon so it was very interesting to see some of the same themes crop up in this story, albeit in a very different setting!

I felt that you very quickly captured the personality of your narrator, Wiktor, subtly evoking the bitterness and resentment he often felt towards his brother, whilst also creating some very vivid images through your description of the village celebrations and life within Wiktor's household. The conclusion of chapter one in particular, was very well drawn – the discovery of the hanging 'corpse' felt genuinely chilling and beautifully dispelled the growing sense of contentment you'd developed between Wiktor and his brother.

There are a few issues you probably want to bear in mind when you're revising your work however; the narrative voice seemed too mature and sophisticated for an eleven-year-old which made it difficult for me to truly believe in the character. Also, although I do understand that Wiktor would resent his brother I wonder whether it's really fair to portray his treatment at the hands of his family as so unfair; surely even the eldest son would be excluded from a serious meeting, say, if he were only eleven years old? I think it's important to bring out a sense of conflict within Wiktor so that readers understand that his resentment arises from jealousy of his brother rather more than the situation itself.

I'd also liked to have a little more context threaded through your story; many of your readers won't be familiar with Latvian history so you want to think about how you can explain why, for example Wiktor wouldn't speak the same language as the people who live around him. In historical fiction people will normally accept more 'explaining' than they would do in contemporary fiction but do try and think about how you can get across the history and politics through conversations between characters or minor details, as that will make for a more interesting read. I hope you enjoy your re-writing, and good luck!

Feedback from Alison, Random House

10. The Stasi File
by Peter Bernhardt Novel, Thriller 19 May 2008
An American lawyer and his lover from Berlin student days, now a budding Italian opera diva, are drawn into an assassination plot by a Stasi General, desperate to prevent the collapse of the East German police state after the fall of the Berlin Wall.
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Feedback for this story will be added once received from Random House