Dear Jennifer

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique. I really enjoyed reading your sample chapters of Two for the Crow. I was impressed with the confidence of your writing and the touching depiction of Theda and Nadine’s friendship. I can see real potential in what you’ve written so far but there are certain aspects of the story that need some work, which I will focus on now. What I hope to do in this critique is provide you with some useful pointers on how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what you need to pay attention to in particular as the story progresses.


Plot

The Prologue provides an extremely powerful opening to the novel. I particularly liked how you told it from the viewpoint of Theda’s cat, Mashpea. It softens the brutality of the scene, but in no way dilutes the sense of menace, and I thought you handled that very well. Starting at the end, as it were, with the discovery of Nadine’s dead body, is a neat device to hook the reader instantly, as they’ll want to read on to find out what events lead up to this chilling moment.
One concern I had was that after such a strong opener, the subsequent chapters pale a little in comparison. While it is important to set the scene and introduce the characters early on, every scene should further the narrative in some way. Obviously the main action of the story won’t really kick in until Nadine is missing, but there has still got to be dramatic drive until we get to this tipping point. The plot feels like it’s meandering somewhat in these early pages, almost as if you’re still finding your feet in the story, when you should be wholeheartedly grabbing the reader and pulling them into Theda’s world.


Structure

Along with plot, this is an area that needs some attention. I think the narrative would benefit hugely with some tightening up in places, to become sharper and more compelling. It’s hard to gauge a sense of the structure from your synopsis alone, but from what I have read, it sounds like the story is going to be quite linear in its direction: i.e. introducing the reader to Theda and Nadine, Nadine going missing, Theda searching for Nadine, culminating in the revelation of who murdered Nadine. While this is, in essence, a sound narrative structure, to create more texture to your story, you might consider introducing minor subplots, so the reader is never given the opportunity to tire of Theda’s search for Nadine. As, given that Nadine is already missing 26 pages in, this would constitute a large chunk of the book. Along with subplots, there is always the option to introduce flashbacks to break up the narrative. This would also provide an opportunity to expand on Nadine’s character, and also other more peripheral characters and what their motivations might be, and how they link in to the larger narrative tapestry.


Tone

The tone is very dependent on Theda, as it is told from a first person narrative. As I expand upon in the section on characterisation below, Theda feels a little too much like a spectator in some scenes. I think that when more focus is made on her and her innermost thoughts and relationship with the other characters, the tone will deepen and feel more true to the story. The nursery rhyme at the beginning of the prologue is a brilliant choice, as it hints at both childhood innocence and the threat of darker things to come – a very apt choice. And it is this fine balance between these extremities of tone that will dominate the narrative, and cast it in shades of light and dark.


Characterisation

In your synopsis, you state the Nadine is autistic. I didn’t actually get this impression from the chapters I read. Obviously there are varying degrees of autism, from mild to very extreme, but this characteristic gets completely lost within the narrative. Similarly with Theda’s older sister Lillian, you state in your synopsis that she is an obsessive compulsive, but again, the only real hint at this is the fact she likes to keep her bedroom immaculate. I think more needs to be made about these individual character traits. Not only will that make your portrayals of Nadine and Lillian sharper, it will also give a clearer picture of Theda, as we are obviously seeing these characters through her eyes, and how she relates to them is very important.
Theda is described as a precocious bookworm, yet while she seems level-headed and sensible for her age, ‘precocious’ isn’t a word I would use to describe her. Theda’s mum also seems quite a hazy figure. You describe her as ‘feisty’ in your synopsis, but again that description didn’t spring to my mind after having read the chapters.
You need to be very sure from the outset what sort of personality each character has. As you state in your own words, this is Theda’s story, and the reader has to feel aligned to her. If you expand on Theda’s characteristics, and focus on her interpretation of the other dominant figures in the narrative, the reader will feel much more engaged with your story. Because in its present state, I felt somewhat distanced from the action.
More needs to be made of Theda and Nadine’s friendship. What you have written so far is very touching, but it doesn’t set their relationship apart as particularly extraordinary compared to any other two teenage girls’ friendship. The reader needs to be shown what makes their relationship so special, and how dear they are to each other. And when Nadine does disappear, the loss that Theda feels will be all the more profound.
I don’t want my critique on your characterisation to seem too negative, but I think this is an area that needs the most attention. If you sharper the portrayals of your characters, and make each figure stand out, it will add a great deal of depth and colour to your narrative.
Having said that, I think you got the depiction of the two old ladies that befriend Nadine and Theda are spot on. They really leap off the page. I think there’s the potential here to make more of Nadine’s social faux pas to provide more humour to those scenes.
Another character superbly drawn is the lothario Father Abruzzi. The scene where Theda comes home to see her mum kneeling in front of him made me laugh out loud! A great double entendre.


Setting

The actual time period and setting isn’t made particularly clear in the opening chapters. You could either have a small sub-heading at the beginning of the novel, actually stating the year and the place, or more could be made in the descriptive prose about Theda’s neighbourhood and the time period.


Genre/Market

This is clearly women’s fiction, and I think this story would appeal to quite a large age bracket. While I think the sample chapters so far are well-written, to secure a more commercial appeal, you really need to develop your characters and think about how you are going to successfully plot the narrative.


Conclusion

I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, the material is in good shape and I really enjoyed reading it. Hopefully with a little more development and polishing, it will really sparkle. I wish you the very best of luck in making that happen.


Best wishes

Natalie Braine