Title : The Stasi File

Author : Peter Bernhardt

Genre : Novel, Thriller

View Opening Chapters

Synopsis
An American lawyer and his lover from Berlin student days, now a budding Italian opera diva, are drawn into an assassination plot by a Stasi General, desperate to prevent the collapse of the East German police state after the fall of the Berlin Wall.

The professional critique by author Martyn Bedford is displayed in the next post.

(Chapter 4)
My concerns in this chapter centre on the handling of Sylvia’s thought-processes. Her mind, here, doesn’t seem to be at all preoccupied with the one thing which would surely dominate all other thoughts: she’s just been attacked and nearly killed and has ended up with her assailant’s corpse slumped on top of her. To come so close to dying and to be so gruesomely “intimate” with a dead body would have a shocking emotional and sensory impact on her. Yet you characterise her response to the attack by having her attempt to make sense of the wider implications of what’s happened. She also considers the attack in relation to her prospects for the next night’s performance and in terms of her singing career. Surely, these analytical processes wouldn’t kick in until after the initial shock had eased? Shock, I feel, would be her over-riding and overwhelming response, in the direct aftermath of the attack. There is a reference to her walking quickly away and passing mention of her trembling fingers, but that’s about it. Then, in what smacks of an authorial contrivance to avoid having to deal with her actual response to the attack, you have “In an effort to force the attack from her mind . . .” Well, (a) it hasn’t been in her mind, as far as we can see; and (b) she then goes on to reflect – expositionally – on the fall of the Berlin Wall and its political context. Surely, this would be the last thing on her mind right after what happened in the park?! So, I would suggest rewriting this post-attack scene so that you go inside Sylvia’s mental and emotional processes in a way that seems more plausible. You take us inside Rolf’s head well in Chapter 2, but I’m not sure you’ve quite got a hook on the thought-processes of your female lead just yet.

Synopsis

The novel, as outlined, ticks a number of the boxes it needs to tick if it is to work as a thriller. You make the stakes high, personally and professionally, for the two main characters, Rolf and Sylvia. The revisiting and rekindling of a long-dormant love interest is a useful element of added spice and tension. And there seems to be plenty of scope for some intriguing double-dealing, complexity of plotting and the raising of questions (in the protagonists’ minds, and in ours) as to who can be trusted and who is on whose side. As far as its possible to tell from a synopsis, the pace, tension, drama and action appear to be nicely geared to develop and escalate through the novel, leading up to the climactic events. And the central, pivotal plot – the plan to assassinate Kohl as part of a scheme to stop German unification – is sufficiently high-stakes to bear the weight of the story and to give it a fascinating historical and political backdrop. “Day of the Jackal” meets John Le Carre is how an agent might pitch it to a publisher, I imagine!

I do have a couple of questions, arising from the synopsis. In the first paragraph it says: “But why is an American lawyer needed for a document drop in Germany? And What led the senior law partner to order him to secretly copy the papers before handing them over to the West Germans?” Are either of these points developed, resolved or explained in the narrative, because they don’t appear to be, as far as the rest of the story is outlined in the synopsis. Is Rolf simply chosen because of his former connection with Sylvia, or is there more to it than that? Again, the synopsis doesn’t make this clear. And why does Rolf have to make copies of the documents? Following on from which, Rolf’s own individual storyline appears to be left to trail off, unnarrated, according to the synopsis. Sylvia’s storyline (her singing career) is dealt with, as is the romantic reunion of Sylvia and Rolf. But there’s no mention towards the end of the synopsis about the outcome for Rolf, in terms of his career as a lawyer, or the way events will have played with Stein. Indeed, his boss doesn’t get a mention again in the synopsis after the first paragraph, even though the scene in Chapter 2 sets him up as a significant player in the assignment, representing the mysterious client’s interest, and wanting to be kept closely and regularly informed of developments in Germany. He appears to be overseeing the whole operation, the way its set up, but in the synopsis he disappears without trace.

Now, it may be that the narrative itself does plug the various gaps that appear in the synopsis. In which case, fine (although it suggests the synopsis might need rewriting if it is to portray the novel properly). Or it might be that these elements do need addressing in the body of the novel itself. I thought it necessary to flag them up, at least.

Conclusion

The thriller genre is a notoriously tough one to break into, as there is so much competition from other aspiring writers (not to mention those already established in this sector of the publishing market). Agents and editors are therefore looking for something striking and original, but which also conforms to the conventions of the genre. Your novel, on the evidence of four chapters and a synopsis, does seem to contain the key ingredients it needs in terms of plotting, pace, character stakes etc, and it has the advantage of an interesting historical and political context against which the events unfold. Also, the juxtaposition of an American lawyer with a German opera singer is a nicely different twist. I do, however, feel that the writing and certain aspects of characterization would benefit from being sharpened in the areas I’ve outlined in the appraisal. I hope the feedback proves useful to you when it comes to redrafting.



Martyn Bedford
for YouWriteOn.com