Professional critique for THE HYPNOTIST by Rob Ganley



Very many congratulations, Rob, not only for reaching this month's bestseller chart, but for a very impressive piece of writing. I really enjoyed reading these 15 or so pages and was reluctant when it ended – a seldom, but happy, occurrence.



Plot and structure:

I think you have a very original and good idea here, and you manage to execute it extremely well to boot, so you're off to a great start. There is something (cleverly!) hypnotic about the tone… it's a very intense, intimate piece of writing.



I do wonder however if the plot is a little too complicated and a little too far-fetched to be fully credible; for instance, the death of the twin brother, the OCD, the partner swapping of both sets of parents… as individual storylines, they are very effective and explosive, however, all piled together as they are, it rather dilutes the impact of each individual thread. Maybe you could get rid of Marlon's mother running off with Amelia's father… for a start, it's glossed over at such speed (in these pages anyway) that it doesn't seem to hold much consequence. If you do decide to keep it, it needs to be properly developed and expanded to resonate within the narrative, otherwise it feels a little like it's there for the sake of gratuitous shock value. For instance, I wanted to know how Marlon felt about his mother running off with his best friend's father. The way you've portrayed the other parental relationship however is very effective and engaging, and most importantly, credible.



My biggest query when I read the synopsis was how on earth does he manage to disguise himself from Amelia, that surely she would recognise him. And I can't say I was altogether convinced by the prosthetic face idea… how would she not know it was fake? In such an intimate environment, how does he stop her touching him? And surely his voice is the biggest giveaway of all… I'm sure it all gets explained adequately in the fullness of the story, but be careful of being too implausible that it undermines the rest of it. It isn't clear however in the opening scene if he actually wears his fake skin in bed as well



In these pages, we learn about their childhood history and the section in which they meet again in their late twenties, but I wanted to know why they hadn't seen each other for nearly ten years at that point, and what happened in their teenage years. Again, I'm sure it all unfolds eventually.



This is first and foremost a love story. It's a pretty twisted one, but it's about obsessive love, sexual jealousy and the lengths some people will go to protect what they have, and it is deeply compelling in its darkness and weirdness. It might be a good idea however to have a couple of more normal characters or plot points to ground it all in reality a bit more somehow.



Structure wise, again, it's rather convoluted the way you zip back and forth in time, and again is quite hard to follow, but I think it works somehow. The opening scene to the story is very strong indeed and draws in the reader immediately, as well as completely beguiling them! If I hadn't read the synopsis first I would have been completely mystified what with the prosthetic skin and him being her husband, yet also being the object of her adulterous affair. However, I think you can pull it off if the rest of the book continues in this vein.



Character and voice:

This story is very character-led. Yes, there is also a clearly delineated plot and structure, but as it's a confession, it is more Marlon's voice which carries us through the story and it's a very engaging and convincing one. The fact that he's telling the story, is almost the omniscient narrator, is a clever reflection of his role as manipulator.



I thought maybe his voice in the section about their childhood could be made more child-like. At the moment, he's telling that part of his story as an adult, in retrospect. I realise this is his confession but it might be an effective way of adding variety to the story if you change his voice a little here and there. For instance, as a child, did he understand why Tom was angry with him for the scene he came across in the childrens' bedroom? It needs mentioning.



Your characters are very well drawn and I like the way at first glance it seems to be Amelia who is the most flawed and unhinged, yet you soon realise that Marlon, the narrator, is the one with the darkest side… that he is so possessive and obsessive to go to such lengths to get inside his beloved's mind and keep possession of her is pretty strange and indefensible, but there is clearly a reckoning, an opportunity for him to redeem himself and take responsibility for his actions as a manipulator. But does he learn from them? It sounds like the pair continue in much the same vein judging by the last paragraph of the synopsis…



I like that he's a magician – it's a really good device to use in this kind of fiction. But I wanted to understand a bit more about his relationship with his Dad and how he was inspired to follow in his footsteps etc. He's almost a little too matter of fact about it, and yet it's quite an unusual path to take.



I also wanted to know if Marlon has other lovers in the swathes of time in which he's without Amelia, or is he that obsessed that he literally only has eyes for her his entire life?



Amelia is clearly a damaged, fiery, artistic soul but ultimately the victim of appalling psychological abuse… but again, does she take responsibility for herself? Because she is portrayed through the narrator's eyes, it's harder to gain an insight into her true feelings, so do keep that in mind and see if you can find a way of conveying her inner self a bit more.



I always expound that empathy is the most important ingredient to get the reader to identify with/care for the characters they are reading about, and although it's hard to sympathise as such with Amelia and Marlon in their crazy world of destructive love, you certainly succeed in making the reader want to keep turning the pages to find out what happens to this couple… which takes me on to the next section.



Writing style:

Narrative drive is another crucial element to keep those pages turning. And you provide plenty of reason to want to keep reading to find out what happens, or what happened. For a start, it's very effective that you don't describe the tragic accident early on - you mention it briefly, you drip feed just enough information to keep the reader going, but ultimately in these early pages the reader is hugely in the dark, their interest is piqued and the want to find out more.



As I say, I think you write extremely well. You have a very good turn of phrase, an effortless way of drawing in the reader (the first and second person narrative really helps with this… I often advise against the technique of addressing the reader, but it works well in this context) and a very effective use of language. As I said before, there is something hypnotic and intense and intimate about the way the story is rendered. It's a pleasure to read.



Final Analysis:

This is a very promising piece of writing and I think it has real potential. Do keep an eye on its propensity for self-indulgence however… obviously, the way it is structured means a certain amount of ego-centricity is unavoidable, but make sure it isn't to the detriment of giving a fully fleshed account of the story.



I wish you lots of luck with this, and your creative writing in general, and I thank you for a very enjoyable read.