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About the Reviewer: MICHAEL LEGAT
After a highly successful career in publishing, mostly as Editorial Director firstly of Corgi Books and later of Cassell, Michael Legat became a full-time writer and tutor of Creative Writing. He has published five novels and eighteen non-fiction books, the latter including the Best Sellers An Author's Guide to Publishing and Writing for Pleasure and Profit.
RED SHADOWS
William McCormick
This is a very impressive piece of work, by a writer who clearly knows what he is doing, where his story is going, and is not daunted by a very ambitious project which demands a great deal of research. That research appears to have been carefully done, and it is good that you have not tried to put across any of your background material directly to the reader, but have allowed it to emerge as part of the story.
In these four chapters the joint protagonists, Wiktor and Otomars, are strongly characterised. Their parents and Anna and the Kaltenbachs are lightly sketched in, but they have (at least, so far) small parts in the story and enough has been done to ensure that they are more than mere ciphers.
The story begins well, and although the pace is a little leisurely, the material is interesting enough to keep the reader turning the pages, and the synopsis promises a narrative with plenty of drama. However, while you are right to feel that a long and complicated story spread over a long period of time and involving a large cast of characters does not need to begin at a breakneck pace, I would like to persuade you to do a little cutting, which will tighten the narrative. Take out anything which is not absolutely necessary: the longish stretch of dialogue when Otomars finds Wiktor among the Letts, the scene when Anna is playing the piano (unless her musical gifts are going to be of importance later in the story) and to a lesser extent, because we need to know about Wiktor's shooting skills, the scene when Rudolf takes the boy to target practice, are all candidates for shortening. I advise almost every author whose work I comment on to look for words, phrases, sentences, even whole paragraphs which could go without being missed. We all tend to overwrite.
So is there nothing else to criticise? Well, I do have a few words to say about a point in the story which puzzled me, about the style in general, and then a string of minor points.
What puzzled me was that Bats, who is apparently in sympathy with the Latvian revolt, not to mention the rest of the crowd, should allow the family to escape after the fire. And why was the wagon gutted, and why didn't any of the mobs the family passed through stop them or attack them more seriously? I think you need to explain this.
I also wondered about Otomars's future as it appears in the synopsis. He is so positive a character that it seems strange that he should waste his life in that way. I am sure you know you are doing, but should there perhaps be something more in these early chapters than his flirtation with Mrs Bata to suggest that there are weaknesses in him?
As for the style, you often use short sentences, sometimes without verbs, and this gives a jerky effect. I would like to suggest that in many places a comma should replace a full stop, or the sentences should be linked with a conjunction. In particular you have a habit of interposing paragraphs of only a few words ('And that made all the difference.' 'Before it all changed.' 'Perhaps I could.' etc.), using them as a kind of summary of what you have already told us, or perhaps to underline the point. (Of course, I don't mean in the dialogue.) You have obviously done this deliberately, feeling that the device gives extra weight to the previous paragraph, but in almost all cases I would eliminate these short sentences, which not only add to the uneven effect of the whole, but which I found a little patronising, as though I could not work it out for myself. I tried reading two or three pages aloud, omitting these sentences, and it seemed to me that they could go without being missed.
This point aside, the prose is mostly rhythmical and effective, and indeed at times in descriptive passages has a striking almost poetical quality. Just occasionally I would suggest that it becomes a little too lush. Look for instance at the paragraph in Chapter 1 which begins 'For hours, through a string of tiny villages, I trailed this strange parade…' – much of it is bursting with adjectives, to such an extent that they become obtrusive. Adjectives (and adverbs) are dangerous words – the more of them you use, the weaker they become, and it rarely does any harm to cut them. The corollary is true, and as an exercise you might try writing a descriptive piece without a single adjective, and then allow yourself to insert just one, and see how powerful it becomes.
In a sentence a few lines above that paragraph you have 'false gypsies, fake fortune-tellers and faux Jews'. The three adjectives (especially 'faux' – a rare word which is likely to pull the reader up short – and you use it again later) brought me out of what I was reading and made me think, 'He's trying to avoid the repetition'. I think you would be better off either deliberately using repetition ('fake, gypsies, fake fortune-tellers, fake Jews') or covering all three with just one adjective ('fake gypsies, fortune-tellers and Jews'). The same careful avoidance of repetition occurs when 'the Yule log' becomes 'the festive timber', and in that case rather than 'festive timber' I would use either use 'log' without an adjective or perhaps 'festive log'. This may seem like a very minor niggle, but I think anything which seems odd in a piece which is mostly so well written is worth pointing out.
Some other minor points:
Several times you use 'screamed' to describe the way someone speaks, but I didn't feel in any of the instances that it was really the appropriate word. I think 'cried' might be better.
Erene says, 'They've lit the house on fire.' Surely 'set' would be preferable to 'lit'.
I don't think one can have more than one widow's peak.
Do you really mean that Otomars kissed the Baron 'on the elbow'? Is this a habit among the Baltic Barons? It sounds a strange manoeuvre to me. Does the kissee raise the arm so that the elbow is pointing at the kisser? Either cut the sentence or explain it
Instead of 'She minimised my statement' sounds like a business letter. I would prefer 'She was trying to brush my comment aside'
What about prospects for publication? A couple of years ago it was very difficult to sell historical novels, but things have changed and I would think you have a good chance of interesting a publisher. I would hope so, anyway. I have certainly enjoyed reading your work. And I wish you luck with it.
Michael Legat
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NEW - Critique - Red Shadows
19 Aug 2008, 21:41
Synopsis
over it!!