Critique from Orion editor Natalie Braine

Dear Jim

Congratulations on being selected for a professional critique. I really enjoyed reading your sample chapters of Connie’s Convertible and I was impressed with the confidence of your writing and the subtlety of the humour used. Overall, the material so far is in fairly good shape and doesn’t need a huge amount of reworking. But what I hope to do in this critique is provide you with some useful pointers on how you can hone and develop the existing chapters, and what you need to pay attention to in particular as the story progresses.


Structure
While the sample pages were an extremely easy read and very engrossing, so far the story does seem quite unstructured, and some tightening up in places and rearranging of scenes would definitely help the narrative flow better. You open the story in the present day with Tom returning to work and contemplating his failed relationship with Connie, then being locked out of his house and making the bold move to turn up on Connie’s doorstep after months of no contact, and finally with his return home, with yet more contemplation about his past with Connie. Then from Part Two until the end of the sample chapters consists entirely of flashbacks about when Tom first met Connie. Whilst none of this feels superfluous to the story, the way it is structured makes it very linear and one-dimensional. You might want to consider keeping the flashbacks shorter and snappier, and interspersing them with present day scenes, to give the narrative a bit more texture and colour. You don’t necessarily have to structure the flashbacks in sequential order either – just whatever is more pertinent to that part of the story. There is a brief mention early on of the fraught relationship between Tom and his estranged father, and your synopsis hints that this will become a major sub-plot later on. This would be an ideal element of the story to break up the flashbacks, and will stop the narrative becoming too Connie-centric, and bring the focus back more onto Tom.


Tone
The tone of the opening chapters is quite nostalgic and reflective, but you never allow things to become too bittersweet. I thought you pitched the tone extremely well – sometimes sardonic, often gently humorous, and never too dark. Telling the story in a first person narrative makes the tone more intimate, as the reader is made privy to Tom’s innermost thoughts and fears.
The tone is quite light in these early pages, but I imagine the scenes with his father will be more emotional and complex, bringing a new depth to the story. And also as more is revealed about Tom and Connie’s break-up, the tone will inevitably shift. But one thing to bear in mind for the later section of the narrative is relief – whether it is through comedy or anecdotal asides. From what I have read so far, Tom seems to use humour almost as a defence mechanism, so this should still play a part in the later scenes.


Characterisation
Tom is an extremely likeable protagonist, but he does risk becoming a little too grey in some scenes, particularly in the present day strand. While Tom is still all-consumed by his past relationship with Connie, you should be careful that Connie as a character doesn’t overshadow Tom. The reader needs to feel engaged and emotionally attached to their protagonist, yet Tom’s world and his inner thoughts are so centred on Connie that it is hard to get a real sense of him as an individual when everything about him is almost entirely refracted through his tales of Connie. I’m sure the later developments with his father will help with this, but it is something to pay attention to the crucial early stages, when the reader is still getting to know the main character.

I like how Tom is self-deprecating and refreshingly honest. He’s charming and cheeky, but also extremely vulnerable. I’d like to see a bit more made of his relationship with his flatmate Colin (there seems to be huge comic potential here). And also his relationship with his daughter Mickey, and with his ex-wife Ellen. This could add another dimension to Tom as a protagonist, and again add more texture to the narrative.

Connie is an intriguing character, and you perfectly capture her allure and her charm. I like how you make reference at the beginning to how Connie is far from perfect, but you clearly intend to divulge this information gradually, allowing the reader a more rounded picture of her, and for them to get to know her in the way Tom did.


Setting
The setting seems quite peripheral to the story (which it should be), but be sure not to disregard it totally. Some scenes are extremely dialogue-heavy, with little, or no descriptive prose. You still want to create a sense of place and atmosphere throughout.


Plot
As I have touched upon in my notes on structure and characterisation, your plot as it stands is quite one-dimensional. You need to include more sub-plots, and vary the structure and tone of the story. Obviously the relationship between Tom and Connie is the driving force of the narrative, but other elements should factor in to provide more drama and depth to your story. I have already mentioned how I think it’s quite risky for the majority of the story to be comprised of flashbacks – your present day strand has to be just as engaging and engrossing, and still have a major presence in the narrative. You state in your synopsis that you are planning to leave the ending open for a possible sequel. I’m not sure how wise an idea this is. The reader likes to feel a sense of resolution and the satisfaction that comes with that at the end of a novel. The main premise of your story is the relationship between Tom and Connie, and if they will resolve their differences, and the reader might feel a little short-changed if it is left open-ended.


Genre/Market
You state in your synopsis that this is general commercial fiction, and I can see from the pages so far that this would appeal to both men and women of quite a large age bracket. While I think the sample chapters so far are extremely well-written, to be commercially viable, I think you need to inject a bit more humour into the plot and a bit more witticism into the character of Tom. I’m sure that the sub-plot of Tom and his father will add further drama and emotional depth to the narrative.

You might want to check out some of the books by Jonathan Tropper – particularly How to Talk to a Widower and Everything Changes. He is targeting a similar market and genre as you hope to, with a male protagonist, witty humour and really affecting drama. His books are brilliantly written, and hugely commercial.

Another minor thing to consider is the title: Connie’s Convertible sounds more like women’s fiction. I think you need something a bit more quirky and snappy. But this is only a suggestion.


Conclusion
I hope these notes have been helpful to you. As I have already said, the material is in good shape and I really enjoyed reading it. Hopefully with a little more development and polishing, it will really sparkle. I wish you the very best of luck in making that happen.


Best wishes

Natalie Braine