This is the full review of my short story. I feel this is not quite up to what is called 'trying to be positive'. Anyone else agree,

Review By: MPaget
Jarring
Unfortunately - like the title, I found the story jarring. I just didn't get it! I don't understand why it was told in the third-person when the story was obviously from the main character's viewpoint. Why not first person. Was the point to de-personalise the story. If so, I don't see the benefit of doing so. Neither did the story seem to hang together. I tried reading a second time, but was just frustrated. There was no flow, and I'm not sure there was even a story to be honest. Sorry - it's not nice to get a negative review, but I found it all very frustrating!

Thanks for the offer, Emma. It should still be there - it is called 'And then laughing'.

Thanks a lot Emma for your very helpful review. I will talk to you again and even reciprocate if you let me know which story of yours you would like reviewed.

Hey, Jaywhat...

I took a little peek at the story - did not read it in its entirety, but let me see if I can explain what I think this reviewer was trying to get across.

I understand the third person vs first person viewpoint. I got the impression that I was more being told the story, not actually living it, seeing it. I think it would have a much stronger impact to have the person himself tell the story as right now I get the feeling of a set up for a movie scene - a script almost. Instead of saying "He is alone, across the river from Wad Medani..." it would be more effective to have the character speak..."I find myself alone in a [city] bungalow - a space provided to expatriates like me who will spend the next three years of their lives here teaching."

I think the "jarring" description may have come from back and forth thoughts, not following an order of writing. It seems you flow from one point to the next without lead time. He is alone in a house, its hot, he arrived, its hot... These are things that can easily be fixed.

I will give you a free will if you would like and that way I can try to explain more. I think what you find upsetting is this person said all these things but then didn't back the claims up with anything or give examples or suggestions on how to improve. I will try to do that if you would like me to. Jen

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts." Charles Dickens

No trade necessary unless you want to do one. Mine is a rather lengthy fantasy. If that's up your ally, by all means, have a go at it. If not, that's okay, too. I know fantasy is not everyone's cup of tea.

Don't let one review get you down. Lord knows I've received my share of icky ones as I believe all of us have. Icky is not always bad as long as its backed up by substance. Unfortunately, when you're trying to get your name on the charts, to get a review like the one you got can be hard to swallow. Just keep plodding along. There are a lot of people here who are willing to help you. Jen

"There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts." Charles Dickens